As men, we’re constantly being told to open up, to be vulnerable, and to let people in. We’re urged by the women in our lives—our mothers, sisters, girlfriends, wives—to share our fears, our emotions, and our weaknesses.

We hear things like “It’s okay to be afraid” or “I just want you to be more vulnerable.” Yet, when we do, when we expose those deep, often buried emotions, we are met with something even more painful: recoil, fear, and sometimes disgust. 

The truth is, society doesn’t really want us to be vulnerable. They want us to pretend we are while we maintain our composure, our strength, our toughness. Brené Brown said it best in her book, Daring Greatly: 

“We ask them to be vulnerable. We beg them to let us in and we plead with them to tell us when they're afraid, but the truth is that most women can't stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust.”

This isn't just an emotional dilemma--it's a public health crisis. Depression and anxiety are ranked as leading causes of mental health issues among men, but we aren't talking about it enough.

The Crate We’re Put Into: A Boy’s Journey to Manhood

As boys, we’re given freedom to express ourselves. We can cry, scream, and ask for comfort. Society gives us the space to be emotional and creative, to feel deeply.

I see it in my nephew now—he’s allowed to cry, to be vulnerable, to call out for his mom when he’s scared. But as we grow older, that space shrinks. The wiggle room for our emotions becomes tighter, and soon, it’s like we’re trapped in a suffocating crate.

By the time we are men, that crate is locked. We're told we can’t show fear, that we can’t be afraid, that being vulnerable is weak. Society demands that we be strong, that we "man up." If we let our guard down, even for a second, we’re ridiculed. 

It breaks my heart for my two nephews, and I know that I'll do anything to be a positive role model for them when it comes to a man who not only can express himself, but embrace his vulnerabilities.

The Shame of Being a Man in a Vulnerable World

Shame is at the core of this narrative. It’s failure—failure in your career, in your marriage, in bed, with your children. Shame is being wrong, not doing something wrong, but being inherently flawed. As Brené Brown’s research uncovers, for men, shame is failure and weakness in every form.

"For men, shame is not just about being wrong; it's about being seen as weak. Men live under constant pressure of being strong, tough, and always in control." -Brené Brown

"Shame is failure. Shame is being wrong. Shame happens when people think you're soft. It's degrading and shaming to be seen as anything but tough."

As men, we live under one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.

In Brené Browns book "Daring Greatly", she found out in her studies that mean not only feel shame, but that we feel shame, small, and vulnerable when it comes to the bedroom too.

From the age of 8-10, boy's learn that it's up to them to initiate sex or any sort of courtship. Rejection is on us, and when we initiate sex with our partner and get rejected even if it's for a very understandable reason, we feel it.

So, we wear a mask. We project strength and toughness even when we're falling apart inside. And when someone asks us to take that mask off, we hesitate--because what if the world recoils at what they see?

The Double Standard: We’re Told to Be Vulnerable, Then Shamed for It

"We raise boys to devalue empathy, dependency, and caring and to overvalue power, aggression, and independence, so we shouldn't be surprised when boys grow into men who struggle to sustain relationships. The real emotional work is to learn how to be vulnerable and ask for help." - Terry Real

Here’s the painful double standard that men face every day. We are asked to be vulnerable—to let people in, to open up, to share our fears. But when we do, the very people asking for that vulnerability are the ones who recoil at it.

This double standard plays out in different ways depending on the setting. In relationships, we're often told by our partners that they want us to express our emotions. Yet, when we do, that openness can be met with discomfort or even a lack of attraction.

In the workplace, showing vulnerability is often seen as a weakness that can jeopardize promotions or even job security.

The fear in their eyes is palpable. It’s like they can’t handle the real emotional depths of a man. They want the idea of vulnerability without the raw reality.

And what happens to men? We either get pissed off or shut down. Those are the primary responses. For me, it’s usually anger. I feel that rush of inadequacy and I lash out.

I see it in my friends too—one of them becomes a “yes-man” in moments of vulnerability, nodding, agreeing, and retreating further into himself. 

We've internalized the idea that to be a man means never faltering, never showing weakness. But when we do let that guard down, we're left feeling like we've failed at the one thing society tells us we must be: strong.

A Society That Sees Vulnerability as Weakness

From a young age, we’re taught that vulnerability is a liability. Showing fear or pain isn’t just shamed; it’s punished. Being vulnerable, for men, feels like putting a target on our backs.

The more we open up, the more we feel like we’re failing at this unspoken game of toughness and stoicism. 

For us, shame is failing at being a man. We’re taught to provide, to be strong, to be the pillar for others to lean on. If we can’t do that, if we falter even a little, we’re told we’re worthless. That pressure is unbearable.

How Men Can Overcome This Double Standard

Men, it’s time to stop playing by these toxic rules. Yes, we feel the pressure. Yes, we live in a society that still defines us by how tough we are. But here’s the truth: vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability is courage.

We need to start reclaiming our space to be emotional, to let people in, and to show fear without worrying about what others think. This starts with self-awareness and growth. It’s about building resilience, not just to face life’s obstacles, but to face society’s expectations with defiance. 

We need to stop letting societal norms dictate how we live our lives and how we express our emotions. We have every right to feel deeply, to be afraid, to cry, and to still be men.

Breaking the Chains

We’re taught that men should provide, protect, and never waver. But it’s time for a new narrative—one where men are allowed to show up as their whole selves, strengths and vulnerabilities alike. It’s time for men to feel empowered to express emotions without fear of rejection, disgust, or shame. 

Depression and suicide are ranked as a leading cause of death among men. Six million men are affected by depression in the United States every single year. Men (79% of 38,364) die by suicide at a rate four times higher than women said Mental Health America.

So, I challenge all men to take back their vulnerability. I challenge the women in our lives to truly accept that vulnerability when it shows up. It’s not enough to ask men to open up—we need to create spaces where they feel safe to be vulnerable.

Practical Steps for Embracing Vulnerability

Here are some actionable steps men can take to practice vulnerability:

1. Journaling Emotions: Take some time each day, doesn't have to be long, to write down how you're feeling and the emotions you are experiencing. Try 5 minutes of writing in the morning or either right before bed.

2. Seeking Therapy or Support Groups: Therapy helped me incredibly when it came to expressing my vulnerabilities and getting things off of my chest. It's incredibly powerful to have someone, especially a professional, to express ourselves whether it's about emotions, our thoughts, or events that happened.

Likewise, here are some ways the women in our lives can support men in their vulnerability:

1. Listening Without Judgment: Truly being listened to without having someone, even more so the women in our lives, without judgment can impact someone greatly. I think I can speak for most men when I say that one of the hardest things is when we are asked to be vulnerable and we witness that person wince slightly to our expression of fears, doubt, or what have you.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Questions that offer us the opportunity to reflect and dig deep are great for opening up and expressing our vulnerability. Although this will be hard for lots of men at first, from experience men get better at answering these.

3. Offering Emotional Support:Even just offering to be there for us, to listen or any type of support can make all the difference. When the women in my life do this for me when I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable or shameful, it makes a massive difference.

4. Practicing Patience: It's not easy for us to open up. Even after all the work that I have done in my life, I still struggle at first. Be patient with us when it comes to opening up more and expressing our vulnerabilities. Like-wise, to all the men out there, be patient with yourself when it comes to this. It's not going to be easy, nothing worth it ever is, so you'll need to offer yourself some patience as well.

5. Encouraging Men to Seek Emotional Support: Sometimes what we need are the people we love and hold dearest to us to allow us to seek these supports. It's a bit counter-intuitive, because we shouldn't need anyone "allowing" us to get help. But, having a person that we love dearly telling us it's okay, could make all the difference.

   Men are less likely to seek help due to societal norms and stigmas, as well as our own stubbornness and perceived stigmas in a recent study done in 2020.

   Chatmon BN. Males and Mental Health Stigma. Am J Mens Health. 2020 Jul-Aug;14(4):1557988320949322. doi: 10.1177/1557988320949322. PMID: 32812501; PMCID: PMC7444121.

Conclusion:

Men, how can you be more open today? How can you allow yourself to feel deeply, express your emotions, and be okay with that?

Women, how can you create a safe space for the men in your life? How can you truly embrace their vulnerability instead of recoiling from it?

I would go check out Brené Browns work on vulnerability and shame. She has amazing insights and is a world renowned thought leader in this area. I'll include her books and some YouTube videos of her's below.

Join the conversation. Let’s create a world where vulnerability is seen as a strength, not a weakness. Subscribe to my newsletter for more insights on breaking the chains of societal expectations and reclaiming your true self.

And share this article if it resonated with you or you think someone else could use this. The only way we are going to break the barriers is together. Let's stop the stigma's and create a group of men embracing their vulnerability. The world would be a lot more loving and deeper due to it.

Additional Resources:

"Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown

"The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown

"Rising Strong" by Brené Brown

"The Masks of Masculinity" by Lewis Howes