Do you feel like no matter what you do, it’s never enough? Maybe you set rules for yourself—like needing constant praise from others to feel worthy, or thinking you’ll only be successful if you reach an impossible goal.

But instead of feeling fulfilled, you end up disappointed, embarrassed, even disgusted with yourself when you can’t keep up. It’s a cycle that only leads to frustration and leaves you feeling like you’re falling short, no matter how hard you try.

Imagine going through life feeling like you’re constantly missing the mark, as if every effort just confirms that you’re not measuring up. These “rules” you’ve set—the standards that are supposed to help you feel successful, confident, or loved—are instead becoming the chains that hold you back, locking you into self-doubt and disappointment.

Now, what if you could break free from these rigid rules and experience the sense of fulfillment and confidence you’re craving? Imagine feeling proud of yourself each day because the standards you live by are achievable and truly aligned with your values.

You could wake up excited, knowing you’re on a path that’s sustainable, realistic, and built to make you feel successful—not defeated. Imagine feeling free, inspired, and able to embrace new opportunities without the constant weight of impossible standards dragging you down.

In this article, we’re going to dive into why these rules have such a hold on us, and why they keep us stuck in patterns that only hurt us. I’ll guide you through exercises that will help you redefine your personal rules—rules that empower you, that encourage you to grow, and that allow you to feel the fulfillment you deserve. You’ll walk away with a clearer understanding of the rules you’ve been living by, and how to reshape them to finally start living the life you truly want.

Both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Tony Robbins’ teachings emphasize that by redefining our rules, we can shift our mindset, improve our mental health, and feel more fulfilled in our everyday lives.

Understanding the Power of Rules

According to CBT, rules and assumptions are the bridge between our automatic thoughts and core beliefs. These “rules” guide us in what we expect from ourselves and others, setting the tone for our behaviors, relationships, and reactions. They shape everything from our career decisions to how we engage with people around us.

Tony Robbins expands on this by describing these rules as conditional beliefs—specific ideas we attach to our values, often dictating what has to happen for us to feel certain emotions. For example:

• A person whose core value is success might set a rule that they must make a certain amount of money each year to feel successful.

• Another might believe they need to be in a perfect relationship to feel loved.

But the truth is, the rules we set can make it nearly impossible to experience the emotions we’re seeking. Let’s look at Tony Robbins’ example, which provides a powerful insight into how our rules can either support or sabotage our well-being.

The Story of Two Men and Their Rules for Success

In one of Tony Robbins’ seminars, he encountered a man who felt unfulfilled and depressed, despite being financially successful. This man valued success deeply, but his rule for feeling successful was making $5 million a year.

The problem? Each time he achieved a financial milestone, he moved the goal higher, setting himself up for perpetual disappointment. His rule made it nearly impossible to feel successful because the standard kept rising.

In contrast, another man in the seminar shared that his definition of success was simply waking up each day and being above ground. Because his rule was easy to achieve, he felt fulfilled and happy consistently.

Tony pointed out that this man’s rule allowed him to experience his values every day, whereas the first man’s rule kept him trapped in dissatisfaction. This example highlights a profound truth: when our rules are unattainable, we set ourselves up for chronic feelings of failure and frustration.

How Unrealistic Rules Impact Our Lives

Just like the men in Tony’s example, many of us set rules so high that we’re constantly falling short. Here’s how these unattainable rules can affect different aspects of our lives:

1. Self-Worth: If we set rules that we must be flawless to be valued, or are so hard to attain that it will take a long time, we’ll inevitably feel inadequate. This rule only reinforces negative self-talk, leading to a cycle of low self-esteem and self-criticism.

2. Relationships: Rules like “I must be constantly available for others to be loved” create unrealistic standards. This pressure can lead to burnout, resentment, and, ultimately, strained relationships. Other rules for relationships such as "If he/she doesn't call me around this time, they don't really want me" are more examples of why rules can hurt us instead of helping us when you either set them too high or place them out of our control.

3. Career and Success: If success only comes from achieving massive, often unattainable goals, the journey can feel exhausting and unsatisfying, leading to burnout and mental health struggles. Even the small things in life are success, and I know that you attain small wins every single day. We all do.

Exercises to Redefine Your Rules

To start reshaping these rules, CBT and Tony Robbins offer exercises that can guide us toward healthier beliefs. Try these:

1. Build Your Library of Rules

Begin by listing the rules you currently live by, especially those tied to how you feel about yourself and your accomplishments. Don’t analyze or judge them just yet—simply write them down. For instance, “I need to always be productive to feel worthy” or “I can’t make mistakes if I want to be loved.” Becoming aware of these rules is the first step to understanding their influence.

Write down ten rules in multiple areas of your life, especially areas where you feel the most unsatisfied and begin to reflect on possible rules you've created that could be leading to your unhappiness.

2. Identify Limiting Rules and Redefine Them

Ask yourself: “Have I discovered any rules that limit my happiness or quality of life?” Highlight the ones that create stress, fear, or dissatisfaction. Then, consider how you could redefine these rules to support, rather than hinder, your well-being. For example:

• Old Rule: “I need to be perfect to be loved.”

• New Rule: “I am loved and accepted, flaws and all.”

I want you all to reflect on your old rules and how they made you feel. Then ask yourself how the new rule might empower you. This will help you connect with the changes you are making, driving deeper the negative impact the old rule had on you and the positive impact the new rule will have.

3. Moving Away from Pain and Toward Fulfillment

Tony Robbins often discusses the importance of setting rules that allow us to move away from pain and toward fulfillment. Take a value like success or love and create rules that make it attainable:

• Old Rule: “I need to achieve X by age 30 to feel successful.”

• New Rule: “Every step I take toward my goals is a success.”

For myself, changing the rule of "having to complete a whole project in one day" (yes, that was literally a rule of mine,) to "if I complete just one step, get one thing done, or work on the project for two hours, then today was a success."

4. Rules I’m Willing to Change

Reflect on this question: “Which rules am I willing to change to improve the quality of my life?” Write down specific rules you’re ready to shift, and commit to integrating these new, more supportive beliefs into your life. This commitment marks a powerful step toward creating lasting change.

Empowering Yourself with New Rules

Our rules hold immense power over our lives. When they’re too rigid or unrealistic, they lead us down a path of dissatisfaction, stress, and emptiness. But by becoming aware of these rules and consciously redefining them, we can create a life where fulfillment is within reach.

Let’s choose rules that empower us, that bring out the best in us, and that allow us to experience our values every day. I don't mean stop setting stretch goals or pushing yourself each and everyday. Instead, redefine what you have to do to feel fulfilled by setting realistic, attainable standards.

I know for myself that once I realized this concept of rules, my life began to change. I suddenly realized that I was setting these unrealistic and hard to reach rules in almost every area of my life like my personal relationships, dating, my career etc.

I either had to be "here" or I had to do "this" in order to feel "that." It was a never ending cycle of disappointment, and the most painful realization was that I was the one setting these traps for myself.

So, start by taking small steps, rewriting one rule at a time. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself feeling more fulfilled, confident, and aligned with who you truly want to be.

P.S.

Liked this blog post or have questions for me that you'd like answered? Send me an email at [email protected] and I'll be more than happy to help you out and answer questions! It is my mission to help people break their family cycles, find passion and purpose, and get the results they desire.

I'd love for you to join our family at The Growth Navigator, my email newsletter that you can subscribe to below these articles where you will get tools, insights, new articles and personal questions answered straight to your inbox!