Values are the unseen forces that shape our lives and how we shape our identity. They influence every decision we make, guiding our behavior, our choices, and how we respond to life’s challenges. Whether we are aware of them or not, our values are always directing us.

The question is: are we aligned with our core values, or are we living in conflict with them? In this post, we’ll explore the importance of values, how to identify your core values, how values tell us to behave, what values are important to us, and how understanding them can create clarity and direction in your life.

What Are Core Values?

At their essence, core values are the principles, beliefs, and standards that are most important to us. They are the fundamental pillars that define what we stand for and what we aspire to in life. Core values can be anything from honesty and kindness to adventure, success, and growth.

Tony Robbins refers to values as "emotional states" that we strive for or avoid. These emotional drivers affect every aspect of our lives, from our career choices to how we interact in relationships. Similarly, Brené Brown speaks about the power of living in alignment with our core values to foster courage and wholehearted living.

Think of values like a driving force, something that pulls you rather than pushes you towards something. We strive towards our values in everyday life whether we know it or not. Which could be pulling us towards the future we desire, or moving us farther away.

Definition: Core values are deeply ingrained principles that guide our actions, shape our behavior, and influence how we interact with the world around us.

Why Values Are Important

Our values influence our behavior and decisions. They shape the way we interact with the world and provide us with direction and purpose. Understanding what values drive us—whether consciously or unconsciously—gives us clarity. Ashley Stahl, career coach and author of You Turn, emphasizes the critical role of values in career satisfaction, noting that “without knowing your values, you’ll always feel lost.”

When we live in alignment with our values, life feels more fulfilling. However, when there’s a conflict between our core values and our current situation, we can feel confused, directionless, or frustrated.

Can Values Change?

Values are not static. They evolve with time and experience. As you grow, your circumstances change, and so do your values. For example, in your younger years, adventure might have been a top priority, guiding your decisions to travel and take risks. However, as life progresses, values like stability or growth might rise to the forefront, guiding you toward new goals and aspirations.

This constant evolution of values is crucial in shaping the future and allowing for self-transformation. It’s important to reassess your values regularly to ensure they align with where you want to go in life.

The key to living a value-aligned life is self-awareness. Brené Brown, in her research on courage and vulnerability, speaks of how essential it is to regularly reflect on our values. Our values can change over time as we grow, evolve, and experience new phases of life.

For example, your top value five years ago may have been adventure, pushing you to travel and seek new experiences. But now, as you’ve grown, your top values may have shifted to achievement and personal growth. This doesn’t mean one value is better than the other—it just means that we evolve, and our values evolve with us.

Self-reflection is vital because it helps us stay attuned to these changes. Every year, or even every month, it’s a good practice to revisit and assess our values. This process gives us the clarity we need to adjust our goals and actions accordingly.

How Values Tell Us to Behave

Values act as your internal compass. They tell you how to behave in different situations, especially during moments of stress or decision-making. If one of your top values is compassion, it will likely influence how you treat others in difficult times. If success is a key value, it may push you to work hard and pursue your goals, even in the face of obstacles.

The clearer you are about your values, the more aligned your behavior becomes with your long-term aspirations.

Where Values Come From

Values are often shaped by your upbringing, culture, and life experiences. They can also evolve through personal reflection and self-awareness. Understanding where your values come from is a powerful way to gain insight into why you behave the way you do and how you can consciously choose which values to prioritize.

Reflecting on your past can help you identify the moments in life that shaped your values. Whether it’s a mentor who instilled the value of integrity, a parent or a difficult experience that taught you resilience, your values are often formed by key moments in your journey.

Moving Towards vs. Moving Away From Values

Values can be broken down into two categories: moving towards and moving away from values.

- Moving Towards Values: These are the emotional states, feelings, or experiences that we seek and strive for. They are what we want more of in our lives. Examples include success, achievement, love, freedom, and growth.

- Moving Away From Values: These are the emotional states or experiences that we try to avoid. They often stem from pain or fear, and we do everything in our power to steer clear of them. Examples include rejection, failure, loneliness, or conflict.

Example of Value Conflict:

Let’s say your number one "moving towards" value is success, but your top "moving away from" value is rejection. Here lies a conflict: in order to achieve success, you’ll inevitably face rejection. The fear of rejection can hold you back from pursuing the success you crave. This is why it's so important to understand these values—so that we can navigate the inner conflicts they might create.

Creating a Hierarchy of Values

While Brené Brown argues that we only have two primary values that truly guide us, Jim Collins reminds us that “if you have more than three priorities, you have no priorities.” While I respect their perspectives, I believe that while we may have two or three dominant values at any given time, we value many different things. Life is complex, and we can’t ignore the variety of values that impact our day-to-day decisions.

Exercise: Identify and rank your top five "moving towards" values and your top five "moving away from" values. Creating a hierarchy helps you gain clarity on what is most important to you and which values are currently influencing your actions.

Example Values:

- Moving Towards Values: Growth, connection, success, freedom, and creativity.

- Moving Away From Values: Rejection, failure, conflict, insecurity, and loneliness.

Click here to download a list of fifty moving-towards values and moving-away from values and create your hierarchy of your top five for each values list.

Once you identify these values, the next step is to ask yourself: Are my actions aligned with my top values? And if not, what can I change to live in alignment with them?

The Power of Understanding Value Conflicts

When our values are in conflict, it’s easy to feel confused or stuck. For instance, if you highly value both security and adventure, there may be moments in life where these values pull you in opposite directions. You may want to explore new opportunities but fear losing the stability you’ve built. This tension is natural, but recognizing it helps you make decisions that balance both needs.

It's also incredibly important to recognize this in potential or current partners. Conflict in values is almost always the main reason why past relationships didn't work out and could potentially be why your current relationship is struggling.

Exercise: Write down any potential conflicts between your "moving towards" and "moving away from" values. Then, reflect on how these conflicts may be affecting your choices and what steps you can take to resolve them.

Exercise: Grab a journal or notebook and begin to reflect on your current or past relationship. Does there seem to consistently be conflict between the two of you? Do you happen to fight a lot? Take this time and plan out at least once a week to identify what your partners core value are or could be, and even feel free to sit down with your partner and ask!

Once you identify what your partners values are, are they in conflict with yours? Did you realize that you and your partner are polar opposites?

An Exercise to Identify Your Core Values

To help you get started on identifying your core values, here’s a simple exercise:

1. Write down a list of 10 values that resonate with you the most. These can be anything—freedom, growth, love, security, etc.

2. From this list, narrow it down to five that truly represent your core.

3. Next, write down five "moving away from" values—these are the states or experiences you avoid.

4. Now, rank them in order of importance.

5. Reflect on how these values have influenced your decisions, behaviors, and life choices. How are they guiding you today? Are you living in alignment with them?

6. Identify if there are any conflicts with your moving-towards and moving-away from values.

Creating a Life of Meaning and Fulfillment:

Once you identify your core values and resolve any conflicts, it becomes easier to align your life’s decisions with what truly matters. The more you live in alignment with your values, the more meaning, purpose, and fulfillment you will experience.

Are Values and Morals the Same?

A common question is whether values and morals are the same. While they overlap in guiding behavior, there is a subtle distinction. Morals are generally seen as universal standards of right and wrong, often influenced by society, religion, or culture. Values, on the other hand, are personal beliefs that direct your individual actions and decisions.

For example, a moral might dictate that lying is wrong, whereas a value such as honesty shapes how you consistently choose to communicate in everyday life. Clarifying this difference is the first step toward aligning with what truly matters to you.

Living a Value-Aligned Life

Understanding and living in alignment with your core values is one of the most powerful steps you can take toward creating a purposeful and fulfilling life. By identifying your "moving towards" and "moving away from" values, you gain clarity on what drives you and what holds you back. With this clarity, you can take action, overcome conflicts, and start moving toward the life you truly desire.

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